Even though it was already past dinner time I was still laid in bed. I didn't want to get up. I didn't want to continue with life like I had before, because it wasn't like before, not without Alex. He had been gone for a month now, and I didn't know how to deal with that.
Arthur had been great though, not that I told him that, not that I told anybody anything at that moment. He was always keen to get up and feed the babies, right into childhood. Especially when I was too busy cocooned in my own self-pity. Most days I didn't even get out of bed. And today wasn't going to be any different.
"Momma?" I heard a weak voice coming from the direction of the door. I turned my body slowly to look at my daughter. It was Ruby.
"Yes honey?" I said weakly, my eyes barely open.
"Uncle Arthur says that he made breakrast" She said excitedly.
It was rare that Arty ever made breakfast for me, he hadn't done so in months. As flattered as I was, I was slightly upset that he had ruined my plans for procrastination that day.
"Okay Ruby" I spoke quietly. I was shocked with what came out next "I'll be down in five"
With that Ruby left, skipping away from the door. I didn't understand how she could be so happy, especially when her father is gone and her mum was a train wreck.
I'm pretty sure it took me more than just five minutes to get up and decent. When I arrived downstairs the kids were all sat around the table, scoffing pancakes like there was no tomorrow. My eyes drifted around to Arty, who was stood in the kitchen, flipping pancakes like a pro. I was only a few feet away when he turned around and saw me.
"Woah! there Frankenstein" He giggled. And I understood, I hadn't washed in a week, and my makeup was smudged down my face. "You look rough" He looked me up and down
I sighed and let out a slight noise "I've looked in the mirror, I know how I look"
"Okay then Mrs. Zombie, you can sit down and eat your pancakes" He handed me a plate of golden pancakes, topped with a nob of butter and a slither of treacle. It looked good.
I sat down at the table, between Dean and Castiel. I scanned the table, looking at every little child of mine. They all looked so happy, so beautiful. Lilith smiled at me, a face full of Pancakes making her cheeks puff out like a Hamsters. I smiled back at her, it felt good, I had forgotten what smiling felt like.
"Bye kids!" Yelled Arthur as they left.
Arty sat down next to me, watching me eat curiously "You should hurry up and eat those otherwise you're gonna be late for your picnic"
"Picnic?" I asked confused
"Yeah" He breathed out and plonked a basket on the table "We're going on a picnic, together"
I wasn't sure if I was pleased or not "Okay"
After I had finished off my breakfast I made my way upstairs. I looked in the mirror, I didn't like what I saw. A skinny, ugly, mess. I sighed and made my way into the en-suite where I hopped into the shower, I allowed the hot water to run down my face and drip from my body. I wrapped a towel around myself and flicked though my wardrobe. I pulled out the most comfortable looking outfit and slipped it on. I didn't bother with makeup, but I put my hair up in a sort-of neat way.
I made my way downstairs, Arthur was waiting for me. "Beautiful" He said quite simply when he saw me. "You ready?" He asked; his hand flung toward me in offering.
"As I'll ever be" I replied.
Arthur walked me across to a good spot on the grass. It was beneath the shade of an old tree, the grass was the greenest in the whole area and the sun hit it so perfectly; it was like a fairytale. From where we sat the view was great, I could see all of the other couples in town, all sat together. I wished I was with Alex.
"You okay?" Arthur interrupted my thoughts.
"What?" I looked around "Erm.. Yeah" I lied. He nodded and sat down next to me.
"Isn't this nice?" He grinned, looking at me adoringly.
I didn't answer.
Without my reaction, Arty began to empty out the picnic basket. He smiled as he picked out the various items, a few sandwiches, some fruit, half a watermelon and orange juice. He placed a sandwich and an apple onto a paper plate and handed it to me. I smiled weakly at the plate.
"You okay?" He asked me, concern flashing across his face.
He placed a large hand on my shoulder "You know you can talk to me right?"
"Then tell me what's up. Is it me? Don't you like the food?"
"No it's not you" I stared at the grass between my thighs
"Then Alex? You miss him don't you."
"Yeah" I sighed
"Don't you worry Electra" He pulled me into an embrace "I'm here for you. You can talk to me anytime"
I pressed my face into his shirt "I know" I mumble amongst the fabric.
Long after I had gotten over my sadness and the watermelon was all but eaten, we decided to call it a date. We packed up the food and folded the blanket. The kids would be home soon and I wanted to be there to greet them.
I was only home for a minute when the children walked in, laughing and talking loudly. Dean saw me and dropped his bag; running into my arms to hug me "I love you mommy" He smiled, pressing his head into my chest. I stroked his hair and kissed his head
"I love you too" I said in return. Ruby and Lilith walked up to me, grinning.
"Mommy..." Ruby started
"Yes?What do you want?"
"Can we go play princesses in the tree house?" Finished Lilith.
"Erm, yeah-" I said. The girls grinned at eachother and skipped away
"Wait!" Yelled Dean "But I want to play soldiers in the tree house!"
"Yeah" Added Samantha.
"Why don't you share?" I said to him
"But girls take up too much space!" Complained Dean "Don't they Cas?"
Dean looked to his brother, who was standing a few feet away "Erm..." Castiel began "I don't mind playing princesses" He said in a monotone voice.
Sam smiled at her brother "Okay Cas, what ever floats your boat. I have homework to do anyways"
Dean crossed his arms momentarily but then relaxed "Okay then Cas, can I come too?"
Cas grinned an nodded boldly. And with that, they both skipped away, out of the door. I smiled as the door shut.
I decided to check my Email, to catch up on what I missed over the past month. I didn't have many.
I flicked through until I got to one from Skye
Hows the challenge going? I haven't spoken to you in a while. We should meet up some time or something. I heard about Alex, sorry about that, I liked him. Okay, I lied I didn't like him, but I don't like many people, so don't get upset about it. You should go down to the sperm bank, I heard they got a boat-load of new donations.
I closed the Email, I missed that blue-haired-assbutt. But she was right, I needed to get on with my challenge. So I decided to go to the sperm bank.
It wasn't hard. I got there and flicked through the names, and I only got to C when I decided on my next dad. Collins, Misha.
ERMEGERD I was so excited to have Misha's baby. I didn't realize how easy it was to get pregnant with sperm-donations. I understood why people did it now.
(I'm not going to post a picture of Misha Collins, because if you don't know who he is, begin to wonder what you're doing with your life and then google him.)
This is the magnificent product of Misha and I, I decided to call her Snow:
Shortly after the birth of baby 37 I aged up the kids
Lilith became a wonderful teen, she loves to dance and act. She had applied for the local drama college, I hope she gets in.
Ruby seems to have hit that rebel teen phase, it seems as if everyday I get a call from her school about her behaviour.
Samantha is so beautiful, she also loves to read and do homework. I hadn't had a child that was so keen to learn until Sammy.
Dean is such a ladies man, a new girl on his shoulder every day. He likes to stay fit, so I often find him in the gym working out.
Castiel is so unbelievably adorable, he always bears a confused look on his face, but always does his best to make his siblings happy, even if sometimes he messes up.
As for me, well, things have been getting better. And I got a letter through from Alex, and that really helped. I was going to get better, and I was going to become a better parent. I promised.
I'm sorry it took me so long to write to you. Things have been hectic.
The whole country is roasting. It's like 40 degrees all of the time, and the uniforms are thick as hell. They really need to sort that out. Things are getting rough though, even as I write this we're being bombarded by bombs. Most of my quadrant have already had to evacuate. And they're better soldiers than I could ever be. And it was only last night, when my friend was being taken away in the chopper- I probably won't survive this. Things are too hectic, rough, overwhelming. And I can't do it, I thought I could, but it's just too big, too hard. I will carry on writing to you. But I want you to move on. I need you to get over me, I can't die knowing that you're gonna be sad forever. But don't mistake me, I love you, more than anything. And I would give anything to see you again.